23 April 2007

Talk to Me


A couple of years ago I wrote a little story about an encounter I'd had with a woman who lives on the streets of San Francisco. In the story, I also talked about a friend without calling him by name. Although my intentions were honorable, my friend was upset when he read the story because he felt it cast him in an unfavorable light. Among his complaints was the fear that someone might recognize him and take a negative impression.

On a couple of occasions, as a child, I was banned to the playroom during my mother's card parties because I could not be trusted to know what--and what NOT--to say.

Recently the executive director of our non-profit expressed disapproval of a running joke I started some weeks back: my signature line on my emails reads

Alex Mercedes
Administrator
Turkey Creek Community Initiatives

At least that's what it reads most of the time. Every now and then, though, I change "Administrator" to "Administrative Desire" or "Administrative Intention" or "Administrative Dream" or some such. Nothing uproariously funny; mostly just a release valve for me in a very stressful situation. I suspect most people don't even notice that the signature changes. Certainly this was the first time the director had noticed it.

He believes that if my signature fell into "the wrong hands" it could be misconstrued and somehow hurt him or the organization or....something.

The thing is, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've intentionally tried to hurt someone using language. But it would be impossible for me to count how many times in even the course of a week, I hold my tongue to avoid hurting someone with language.

The truth is, few things are harder or more distasteful or difficult for me than the whole process of second-guessing and self-censorship. I hate trying to figure out what other people can stand to hear me say.

Perhaps more than anything else, I lay claim to the title "artist" because I believe it grants me the freedom to express myself.

It's the John Lennon thing again. My dream: to live without the deep, constricting wrinkle on my heart and mind that comes from "watching my mouth"; to live in a world where people know the difference between an inconvenient truth and an insult; where there is true freedom of speech; where people recognize the bland impossibility of never offending or being offended and instead of prohibiting more and more expression, encourage the reclaiming of phrases like "I'm sorry" and "I beg your pardon" and "I forgive."

It's insane: every public utterance is taken personally. We must be "politically correct" at all costs, at all times, in all settings. How can this be done without sacrificing every shred of creativity, freedom and curiosity? Have we become so coarse and simple-minded that we're no longer able to appreciate tone and timing, context and volume nuances of verbal communication? Are we so fed up and impatient with each other (and perhaps with our lives) that we are only willing to read and hear opinions and stories that match our own?

Is the goal to create a society wherein no one is ever embarrassed or offended or intimidated or confused or challenged or otherwise made uncomfortable?

Wouldn't it be simpler and neater to medicate all those who want an unruffled existence and let the rest of us have the whole, full, glorious messiness of living?

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My life these days is consumed with my work at TCCI. Not surprisingly, when I sit down to blog, it is usually a TCCI-related event or person that I take as a theme... None of that writing makes it to the blog. What makes it here is the odd day here or there when something other than TCCI captures my imagination.

I'm not living as an artist these days. I'm an Administrator. I'm trying to maintain a standing in the mainstream, still confused after all these years by the mysterious, tacit rules curtailing expression.

18 April 2007

Point of Reference



The other night I watched "The U.S. vs John Lennon." He was my "favorite Beatle" back in the day when every girl I knew was ga-ga over Paul. To appreciate John's intellectual and physical attractions one had to look closer, to lean into him. He wasn't easy or superficial.

Watching the film, I was struck by the way he spoke, his language. He didn't use "big words" or obtuse metaphors. He just said it.

I thought about how, whether writing or speaking, I'm often searching for words. I'm a Thesaurus junkie. My straight from the heart/gut/head word choices aren't good enough.

It's not that I'm looking for a way to break free of this practice. I like playing with words.

What I'm feeling is where/how I've strayed from my heart's desire for my life. Perhaps words are more difficult to find when we are not where we're supposed to be.

As a 4th grader, I dreamed of being a missionary. I wanted to live in Africa and spread God's word. I wanted 10 children and I would let them run naked and nameless until they decided they wanted to wear clothes and chose a name for themselves.

By middle school, my cherished dream was to be a nun and live a contemplative life, praying and gardening and owning nothing.

In high school, inspired by "The Godfather," I wanted to belong to the Mafia. I admired the loyalty between family members and the single-mindedness of their work ethic. I longed for the clean-cut lines of allegiance and clarity of purpose.

But our real lives are created by our choices: choices of language and partner and school, of diet and pastime and location. My choices have not led me to Africa or the convent or a life of crime. I've been talking for 50 years--staggering to contemplate how many words I've spoken or sung. Some of it was unconscious talking. Not to mention the fearful talking and insecure talking and plain old bullshit talking.

All that talking, all of those choices of language and script (and costume and soundtrack)...

Yeah, I've created a life. Still working on it.

The language part (like every other "part") is vital. Vital but not as complex or difficult as I want to make it.

Right intention and orientation simplifies so much. Conscious breathing pulls attention to right intention and orientation. Distracted by any number of possible emotional or psychological goblins, we can remember our breath....take a slow deep breath, inhale....exhale.... Take another one....

Then

just say "it"

or don't.

And making this choice first, to breathe and to focus only on breath, creates a good space in which to make the other choices

what to say
where to go
when to speak
what to eat
which road to take

17 April 2007

Why

So far, all the reports on the Virginia Tech massacre sound alike. Reporters assume a very serious tone to ask ridiculous questions like

How common is it for a shooting like this to take place in a school?
Why would a young person do something like this?
What is the mood on the campus today?

The shooting is the lead story on every radio and TV channel this morning. We are apparently stunned and surprised. Inquiring minds want to know all that can be known.

The deaths by gunfire of 30+ people (the number changes a little from report to report) on an American campus provoke sadness and questions and investigations and expressions of condolence.

And the thousands of men, women and children who slept on American streets last night? The thousands of dead Americans in Afghanistan and Iraq, dead in a war of deception? The thousands of souls under attack in the user-hostile work environments of corporate America?

I remain stunned but not surprised by the high tolerance for abuse, neglect and stealth violence in this country I call my home...