18 March 2008

Snippet

They offered me the job.

I accepted.

I'm on my way back to New Orleans.

I think.


There persists a strong, pervasive sense that none of this is real. Maybe it's because I've wanted it for so long, the transition to "dream realized" is difficult.


Maybe it's depression.


Maybe I'm psychic.


I am feeling stronger every day. Look at me: it's not even 10 yet and I've eaten breakfast, walked to the post office and on to the library! Not to mention finding the focus to make a blog entry in this less-than-ideal setting. Amazing.

Yesterday I had a stressful telephone conversation. A woman who recently made a mistake at my expense. She "apologized" when I mentioned it to her at the time and again a few days later in a couple of voicemails she left. For a couple of reasons (that I only came to consciously understand during our conversation yesterday), I never actually said "I accept your apology" and she was very bothered about this. "Are you going to accept my apology so I can move on?" she asked.

Ya know what? The thought of writing any more about that episode makes me tired. How do you think it ended?

6 comments:

  1. The Woman: I get that the conversation was stressful for you- and I'm dismayed that a presumably adult person can't "move on" without the ritual of yr "accepting" the apology-
    AND I'm interested- what were the reasons you later realized prevented you from accepting in the first place? And how DID it end?

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  2. Well, it's interesting that she asked you to accept it. It means her offering it meant more than an empty formality. Though her asking you to accept it could seem presumptive.

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  3. Something felt "off" when she apologized and the words "OK" or "I accept your apology" or "It's alright" just didn't spring to my lips spontaneously. So I didn't force them.

    Later I realized there were some words that had sprung to my lips--but I swallowed them. "I'm sorry I mentioned it" is what I felt like saying. Her apology ran along the lines of "Oh, Alex. I know, I know. I was just so busy and I had a thousand things to do. I'm trying to balance a full-time job with raising college age boys and keeping a house running--on top of trying to produce this event. I could hardly remember my name by Saturday night. I was juggling...." etc.

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  4. It didn't bother me at all that she asked me to accept the apology. It didn't feel presumptive.

    What felt weird was a) the apology felt more like an excuse and made her busy life the focus of the encounter; and b) the manipulation of (attempting) to make me responsible for her inability to "move on" with her life.

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  5. when I read this I thought about an idea in a book I'm reading (Tolle's A New Earth) - he mentions how we all seem to want peace, but we often chose conflict or drama over the peaceful choice. I've been trying to keep that in my head so that when I am presented with a choice, I can make a conscious/aware/awake decision.

    So if someone apologized to me and I didn't feel it was sincere or adequate, I have to decide whether accepting the apology brings about peace or not. And it can go either way. She would be at peace, but would I? Or accepting it could actually prevent universal peace because someone is still unaware of honest apology-making.

    I also had to think about posting this messag e- does it bring about peace or conflict? I've talked myself out of it twice, thinking that it isn't a peaceful thing to do. And then I realized that the process itself is bringing about peace - the fact that I think about it in peace vs conflict terms means I am becoming more aware of my contributions to peace and conflict.

    So I share, in hopes of spreading opportunities for more peace ...

    peace, love and more peace,
    leslie

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  6. I'm glad you decided to post. It's difficult to imagine what you could post here that would be away from peace.

    Thank you.

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