I want cake.
The craving began as a notion a few months ago. I was in Whole Foods Market and noticed the gorgeous pastry decorations in the bakery display case. The sight provoked a little fantasy about having my own place and serving pretty cake at a dinner party.
I walked on by -- without making a purchase --
and thought about the cakes a couple of times in the days that followed.
Leading up to Thanksgiving, cake sightings and sniffings increased. There was a lot of baking going on in my neck of the woods. I resisted taking a bite of everything that appealed or was offered to me. For the first time in my life, I am exercising restraint around food.
While living in New Orleans, I gained about 20 pounds. And loved every minute of the increase. The food was delicious and consumption was usually accomplished in the company of friends with ample laughter and libation in the mix.
And I don't remember feeling overweight or unattractive once. In fact, it's magical how cute and desirable I felt much of the time, despite my expanding butt.
In California, I don't feel so attractive. California occurs for me as a place where my cake-eating, cigarette-smoking, plain-speaking, lunch-time-champagne-drinking, big butt ways make me either unattractive or invisible to the "the beautiful people."
Anyway, I'm getting all this straightened out for myself today: I want some cake.
I resisted cake through the holidays. I resisted cake on my birthday.
Cake comes to mind and mouth every time I'm at the market these days. Why can't I have some cake please, my precious inner child asks me with polite earnestness.
Because it's spiritual sloth to have everything I want, every time I want it.
Because my butt is too big.
Because I'm single and if I make or buy a cake, I'll end up eating most of it myself and that's just...disgraceful.
Because I don't eat enough vegetables to deserve dessert.
But here's the thing: craving is turning into obsession now. I dream of cake and wake up thinking of cake. I notice cake references in TV shows and movies. Sometimes I feel a little sad because what kind of life is this, living in a house without cake?
Here's what I've decided:
I will allow myself to have cake
BUT ONLY if:
I make it myself and either freeze or give away half of it.
Now, what kind shall I make?