It's always been one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me.
Reaching, extending, reaching....repeated attempts to make contact
no response. no argument. no overt rejection.
Things just don't work out for us to connect. Over and over again.
and the niggling thought-feeling begins to snake its way through my guts and flutter against the back of my neck...
"I'm pushing. S/He doesn't want to spend time with me."
It's not a stabbing pain like a broken heart; it's more like a nagging discomfort, like hunger.
In this wee hour of the morning, I am insomniac, trying to suss out an equation or maxim of some kind--to relieve the current discomfort and point a way forward. Something like the "If you haven't worn it in X months, get rid of it" advice of clutter consultants.
What is "X" in the realm of relationship? Is it the same quantity for all kinds of relationships?
If you've made the last X overtures, it's time to let go.
Or if it feels wrong to call again, it is.
Maybe there's no graceful or painless way to say goodbye.
Can't there be a bit of warning? Or some way to acknowledge that we are nearing the end?
It makes me crazy that nothing looked different the last time we were together--the embraces and laughter and talking-with-eyes all unchanged, just they way it's always been for five, ten, 15 years...yet, we walk away from the encounter and you never again call or return my call. From seeming intimacy and camaraderie to utter indifference---just like that.
I don't understand.
It's not the way I do it.
Would it be helpful to make coffee right now?
When I begin feeling like a supplicant, the person in question goes to the bottom of my list -- not that my list is so very long, and perhaps that's the reason s/he remains on the list. For a long time I would continue reaching out, but I reached a point where I got tired of reaching out. I got tired of being a supplicant. I know that there's something there, or could be (or maybe just was, but I'm sucker for 'was'), so the bottom of the list keeps them within the circle of my own blessing, because there was always a reason we were so blessed even if it's not currently functional.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that this comment may be irrelevant to your feelings.
ALA is in New Orleans this summer. If you're there, you know you'll be at the top of my list. If not, there will be another time.
Brian
Ah, Brian. "Irrelevant"? Quite the opposite. Precisely on point. And beautifully stated. Your comments shed light and insight.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a sucker for "was." As well, my list is also short. And "supplicant" is an important word; my ongoing discomfort with the role of supplicant is at the heart of this concern. Thank you.