04 February 2011
It's always been one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me.
Reaching, extending, reaching....repeated attempts to make contact
no response. no argument. no overt rejection.
Things just don't work out for us to connect. Over and over again.
and the niggling thought-feeling begins to snake its way through my guts and flutter against the back of my neck...
"I'm pushing. S/He doesn't want to spend time with me."
It's not a stabbing pain like a broken heart; it's more like a nagging discomfort, like hunger.
In this wee hour of the morning, I am insomniac, trying to suss out an equation or maxim of some kind--to relieve the current discomfort and point a way forward. Something like the "If you haven't worn it in X months, get rid of it" advice of clutter consultants.
What is "X" in the realm of relationship? Is it the same quantity for all kinds of relationships?
If you've made the last X overtures, it's time to let go.
Or if it feels wrong to call again, it is.
Maybe there's no graceful or painless way to say goodbye.
Can't there be a bit of warning? Or some way to acknowledge that we are nearing the end?
It makes me crazy that nothing looked different the last time we were together--the embraces and laughter and talking-with-eyes all unchanged, just they way it's always been for five, ten, 15 years...yet, we walk away from the encounter and you never again call or return my call. From seeming intimacy and camaraderie to utter indifference---just like that.
I don't understand.
It's not the way I do it.
Would it be helpful to make coffee right now?
posted at 6:38 AM