Please Love Me
mixed media on paper
There's a general desire to NOT be disliked. That's a familiar feeling....second grade...the look I used to see in the eyes of other kids from my privileged perch as Teacher's Pet. They didn't like me. And I was outnumbered.
But, a general desire for "people" to like me -- is more elusive. I soften my gaze and whisper into my ear "Sure, sure. Like thirst. Or getting sleepy. Everybody has that desire...me, too" and there it is! Just for a second I'm convinced.
And then I take off the wig and step out of Mommy's high heels.
It's not like that for me. When it arises, the desire is specific. I want "him" to like me. I want "her" attention. And I want it so bad, the taste of my saliva changes in my mouth
and something like adrenaline floods my system and a suppressed scream or growl crawls around under my skin.
Our topic tonight was "why we don't tell the truth" and, actually, I was talking about truths we don't tell/face ourselves.
We want to enter some work in the upcoming Santa Cruz Fringe Festival and he asked if I had any emerging ideas for a solo piece. I answered that lately I have a nagging feeling I'm about to call my bluff. Like there's something I've known for a long time about myself....but kept it a secret. I said my next piece will probably be about that.
But we don't know each other very well and he's mentioned a number of times that he's nervous around me, feels inadequate because of what he calls my "brilliance." I suspect his listening skills suffer as a result.
I offered a few more words to help clear up his confusion.
"Oh," he said. "That's scary."
I think I know what he means but I don't feel scared at all. It's a secret I'm curious about.