04 June 2013

Re Frame


I woke up the other morning to this thought

If I live as long as Mommy, I'll be dead in less than 20 years

 Wow. The thought quietly rocked my world for a few days. An exhilarating sense of freedom came over me: And excitement. And curiosity. 

Remarkable how one thought changed my perspective on EVERYTHING. And the longer I looked at Life through that lens, the calmer I felt.

And then, one day, a new thought intruded:  

If I live as long as Mother, I have more than 40 years of living left....a whole 'nother lifetime...


So I  tossed the cigarettes and decided it's time to "quit" again. 

Not smoking always changes my perspective on EVERYTHING because my "friend" is gone

and I have all these scattered minutes to fill with ....something

and there's more oxygen fueling the System

and I have no protection from the thoughts and feelings that smoking helps suppress. For example:

With all due affection for my descendants, having a baby was a bad choice.

Here's another one:  I didn't come to Holly Springs with a great idea. I came to Holly Springs because my friend invited me to come create something with him and because I was tired of hustling for survival in the SF Bay area. 

yeah,  everything is lit by a very stark, unflattering light in the first days of a Quit. I kinda like it. 

I can't write but I can see.