20 July 2015

Lessons in a Charmed and Imperfect Life

Living the last 30 days has been like skipping through a sun-drenched field of flowers -- and stepping on a nail.

Three nails, to be accurate. If I expand the time frame to include C_____'s betrayal, four nails.

Last night I dreamed that one of two friends who were living with me invited an "enemy" into the house without my permission. I exploded in highly articulate passion. "Don't ever bring anyone into my house who does not love me as I am!"

Today I am still walking in the after glow of the dream's exhilarating moment. Feeling tall and clear and certain.

I relish energetic exchanges sparked by a difference of opinion. I am a would-be lawyer. This is not about wishing that everyone saw things my way.

This is about people who want to see themselves as friends of mine, who would say with pride that they are good people and they care about me.  This is about those people, upon discovering something about me that conflicts with their projections and idealized views of me, deciding to either attack, criticize or jump ship.  They reject dialogue as an option. They reject empathy. They reject compromise.

Today, I erase the board: I've been using the wrong symbols to solve the problem. I've been trying to find a way to maintain intimate relationship with people who perceive a fatal flaw in me. They insist that I be some way other than I am...or else. No more cookies. No more peace.  No more love. For them, something I am or something I said or did presents as a mortal threat so dire as to justify attack.

If this is Love....  Intimacy is not possible under these conditions.

I understand their behavior is a commentary on the state of their own hearts and minds. I wish them well in their lives. I am moving on. I divest interest in finding a way to prove myself to them, finding a way to keep them in my heart.

This decision will change the flavor of our interactions from this point on. I accept them where they are -- people who find me flawed -- and will proceed accordingly.