19 April 2009

Off and On

I am smoking again.

It started a couple of weeks ago. At the time, it seemed a result of having run out of Wellbutrin, the antidepressant I'd been taking since last summer. The drug is also used in smoking cessation programs and I think being on it had a lot to do with why it was so easy to stay off cigarettes for so long. As the drug left my system, the cravings returned.

The secret reason I resumed? During the 4+ months I was not smoking, I gained weight. All my clothes are tight now (or impossible) AND I have no money to buy new ones. I am vain enough that it hurts to go out in public in poorly fitting clothes so I started holing up.

I'm watching myself. I want to stop again.

And I don't want to stop because I don't like getting fat.

Overweight. Clothes that don't fit. Off antidepressant meds. Isolating myself. And smoking again.

Um hum. Red Alert.

So, even though it meant putting my landlord off , I splurged and refilled the prescription. Interrupting this downward spiral is a priority, imperative. Tentative plan is to

  • reestablish the antidepressant regimen and stop smoking again on 1 May
  • start moving around more: biking, walking, dancing
  • not bring fat food into the house
  • carry only enough money to pay bus fare when I'm out of the house
Life feels very boring right now.

No comments:

Post a Comment

What do you feel about what you just read?