Right Before "After the Party"

XIX. THE SUN: THE ZORYA

In Russian mythology, the three Zorya are goddesses-attendants to the sun god. As well as bringing warmth and light to the world, the sun represents the brightness of intellect, creativity, and fertility.

Meanings: An expansive, life-affirming energy. Creativity. Relationships with children. Fertility. Love. Masculine, or yang, energy. Reversed: Unwillingness to accept affection. Blocked creativity. Problems with expanding to the next phase of a project. Feeling thwarted.

IV. POWER: FREYJA (Associated with the Suit of Staves)

Freyja, the Norse goddess of creativity, love, and beauty, shows that true power lies in the ability to discriminate between aggression and passivity—and the ability to choose between them at the right time.

Meanings: The ability to use power wisely. Awareness of one’s power. The ability to lead and inspire others. Knowledge of how to “work the system.” Reversed: Oppressed by another’s power and authority. Insecurity. Loss of personal power.

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These are my cards right before the "Not For Sissies" Performance and Birthday Bash. Nice.....

I have no script, props, lighting cues, set, recorded sound, equipment. 30 minutes ago, while drinking coffee and having first cigarette, the idea of "After the Party" occurred. I decided last night to dress like african royalty and that triggered a sense of a festive occasion--a party, a graduation, an opening. And that triggered Fannie (my mother) which triggered BDSM protocols.

I think I have my "launch" for the performance.

Over My Head

This is the sky above me today. When the sky looks like this, the intro to the animated TV show "The Simpsons" always comes to mind so I call these "cartoon clouds."

Sometimes, cartoon clouds inspire me to sing a song we used to sing in my childhood church:

Over my head
There is music in the air
Over my head
There is music in the air
Over my head
There is music in the air
There must be a God somewhere.

Note: The sky has changed completely in the last three minutes. There is no sun and hail stones are hammering the roof...

My sphere of influence in the world is limited. This is a sobering but not disempowering thought. Yesterday I spent the day singing, practicing Chopin and Bach on piano, learning how to use Garage Band software and recording (trying, at least) two songs from "Holy Fire: Ecstatic Heart Songs" (formerly known as The Ecstatic Heart Song Book). In other words, I spent the day taking action within my sphere of influence.

I felt strong
smart
vulnerable
responsible
capable
intrigued

I learned something
remembered something
loved something

I was focused
full of hope
alert
serene
excited
inspired

I speak often about 'the work". The phrase has two applications in my lexicon:

One kind of "work" involves the collection of abilities and personal interests that are sometimes called "talents." They are recognized and distinct from other things I do because

• my psyche is flooded with a "yes" sensation when I do them
• even challenging aspects are suffused with joy
• often, the World disappears and Who I Usually Am also disappears
  

The other way I use "the work" is in reference to the ongoing inevitable work of my spirit. It involves activities like

• thinking
• praying
• paying attention
• studying
• listening
• crying (and laughing)
• surrendering
• risking

The two forms of "work" intersect and overlap and interact. Each enables and supports the other. I believe "the work" is all that matters in the end. Seeing cartoon clouds sometimes pulls my wandering attention to pointed focus and reminds me of what I believe; simultaneously setting me free from whatever illusions about priorities might be holding me at the moment. "Oh, yes! I am a part of that music over my head and it is a part of me."

Line Up, Fall Out

Last summer, on the last night of a week-long retreat, I volunteered to co-ordinate and emcee an amateur talent night. The show was slated to start at 7 p.m. in the dining hall. Interested attendees were asked to sign up by lunchtime if they wanted to perform.

A few minutes before "curtain" an impromptu birthday celebration was launched. As the last pieces of cake disappeared, several folks decided they had something to share and added their name to the line-up. The show finally started about 20 minutes late. We encountered a few technical glitches as the show proceeded and it was soon apparent that what had been estimated to be a two-hour show was going to run much longer.

Two hours in, I noticed some restlessness in the audience and suggested a brief intermission. "Let's take a little break--go to the bathroom, get some air, some refreshment--and come back for a sure-to-be-stunning second half. Does 10 minutes feel right?" The consensus was that 10 minutes would be too long --"We won't get out of here till after 11!" someone cried. "Let's take just 3 minutes." I reluctantly agreed, doubting seriously that this somewhat rowdy crowd would be back in 3 minutes.

Twelve minutes later, folks were still milling about. Someone had powered on a boom box as musical accompaniment for the break. Two more people asked that their names be added to the roster of performers.

My mood turned sour as I attempted to corral folks back into the room to resume the show. Eventually the show resumed. As it turned out, two of the acts in the second half were sufficiently entertaining to alleviate some of my distress.

An organizer for the event, noticing my mood during intermission, suggested that my frustration stemmed from a conflict between the disorder of the surrounding reality and my strong personal needs for order and beauty. The suggestion felt like an insightful gift that night and has returned over and over again since then when similar varieties of frustration have occurred for me.

cha·os

n.

1. A condition or place of great disorder or confusion.

2. A disorderly mass; a jumble: The desk was a chaos of papers and unopened letters.

3. often Chaos The disordered state of unformed matter and infinite space supposed in some cosmogonic views to have existed before the ordered universe.

4. Mathematics A dynamical system that has a sensitive dependence on its initial conditions.

5. Obsolete An abyss; a chasm.

I don't prefer order over chaos: so-called rules of order that I perceive as arbitrary are as unsettling as unfettered anarchy.

I have boasted that as an artist--and especially a performing artist whose work regularly includes a dash of improvisation--I am right at home with "creative chaos". This is true -- and not true. A visit to a painter friend's studio not long ago comes to mind: full ashtrays, old brushes caked with paint, a horde of flies swarming in a column in the center of the room, a litter box placed dangerously close to a cluster of canvases leaning against the wall.

I also remember a couple of classes in art school whose syllabi contained way too many rules and regulations for my tastes...

Chaos and order exist always hand in hand, cheek to cheek... Neither is "better" than the other.

It is the chaos of broken promises, disloyalty and breach of contract that vexes me, e.g., if you say will return from intermission in 3 minutes, I want to believe you. Sometimes, I'd even say I need to believe you. I'm going to be happiest if you return from intermission in 3 minutes.

Or, if you come to me at the 3-minute mark and renegotiate.

Or, at some point, even much later, if you acknowledge that you were not true to your word.

Here's where I get uncomfortable and a little crazy: you don't return in 3 minutes, you don't renegotiate at 3 minutes, you never acknowledge that you didn't do what you said you'd do AND if/when I say "I am utterly confused, frustrated and annoyed by this situation. I feel like I can't trust you. What is the deal?" I am perceived as "intense" or "confrontational" or "mean".

Or

if I say nothing but make a mental note for the future ("not someone I want to make art with in the future") and don't invite you to participate in the next show, I am "unforgiving," "a perfectionist" or my standards are too high.

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Yikes.

I didn't plan to go down that road. I just wanted to muse upon chaos and order. Apparently I needed to vent. I'll save the scholarly discussion for another post....