02 December 2007

The God Sized Hole

After the Purge the other night, it felt like a good time to cut my hair. So I did. And threw away some clothes and took down the postcards from over my desk. And painted my toenails.

It wasn't enough.

I cleaned out the refrigerator (finally) and moved the lawn furniture to a new location and washed both sets of curtains (finally).

I also (finally) got the windshield on my car repaired (an errant pecan shattered it a couple of weeks ago) and disposed of the body washes and gels accumulating in my shower rack...(I know people mean well but if you've never heard me play piano, you probably don't know me well enough to make a gift of body wash.)

That old windshield was dirtier than I realized. It has shaken me to my roots driving around with enhanced visibility for four days. And there's more space in the shower stall now...something kinda inspiring about the minimalism--just me, water, soap and shampoo.

Still, I wanted more. Of something.

I've been quitting smoking for about 10 years and had considered setting my next SmokeStop for the Great American Smokeout (the Thursday before Thanksgiving) this year but the date snuck up on me. "Maybe 1st of December...." I thought. As best I could estimate, my stash of tobacco -- both loose-leaf and factory-rolled--would be running out around the end of November.

In the midst of all this, "Requiem for a Dream" arrived in my mailbox. In the Commentary, the director talks about "the hole"....ah, I hadn't thought about "the hole" for awhile.

Facing The God Sized Hole was the working metaphor for my last SmokeStop but it's been awhile since I thought about it closely. Aronofsky's comments led me to thoughts about the recent round of reflections and feelings triggered in me by new hard work with my adult son and as I learn to cope with the onset of chronic neck pain.

I hadn't thought of it yet, but, in fact, November was An Encounter (again) with the God Sized Hole. Alone in the dark on the edge of the chasm, I am surprised: How have I avoided returning to this place for so long? I look down to see I am standing in footprints I made during my last visit...There's something like comfort in that.

Well, then. As long as I am Here again...and I've run out of tobacco "coincidentally"...and I'm still itching for somethin'... Let's take on nicotine addiction.

I've been sleeping in the guest room for at least a month now. The air mattress is easier on my neck. Last night I rearranged the guest room and slept with the window open.

This morning I moved the office furniture from the downstairs living room to the upstairs front bedroom. It was a workout.

Now my living room looks like a meditation room or dance studio. The front upstairs bedroom looks ready for all kinds of desk and computer work--or sleeping, if you're a guest. The back bedroom is ready for sleeping and reading and watching DVDs and coloring with markers and other kinds of play.

My sleep is unsettled and I'm already beginning to cough. I'm mentally disoriented and emotionally fragile. My mouth tastes funny and intestinal tract is trembling.

Day Two at the Hole.


  1. Blessings on this encounter. Don't forget raw sunflower seeds. xoxox

  2. Just reminding you that you have an open invitation to come and play music with me in Brazil. Any time after Christmas, basically.



    I know stopping smoking is hard - I did it too. Just let this be the last time you ever have to do it again, and you will be done with it.

    When you get antsy, find something else - anything else - just get through it. Find another way to satisfy the ants. I used tic tacs. I still use them. You can "pack" the box like cigs, and they are fun to roll around in the mouth - sometimes I go right to crunching through them, but most of the time I like them to gently and slowly dissolve on their own in my mouth.

    do whatever it takes, so you never have to do it again.

    I wish you all kinds of success and excess!


    love you!!!!!


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